“I’ll be right baaaaack…”

Posted: January 10, 2014 in Health, Humor, Migraine, Movies, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

If you ever find yourself hanging over the side of a rowboat on a foggy night, with your face inches from the water’s surface, telling your companions, “There’s something down there. I can’t…quite…see it…” Do not, I repeat, do NOT turn your face to look at your buddies, just to emphasize your point. Because that is always precisely when the Killer From The Deep reaches up and rips you out of the boat by the face, with one creepy, slimy, and extremely waterlogged hand. This is but one of the multitude of life saving lessons I’ve learned just by watching movies.

Here’s another. If you are a female, don’t shoot for the most gorgeous guy at school. Go straight for the nerdy guy who you keep catching making eyes at you. Because in the end, either you are going to find out the gorgeous guy is a butt head and the nerd is really awesome and you loved him all along, OR, if you don’t choose the nerdy guy, he will become so obsessed with you that he eventually picks off your friends one by one, until you and he are the only ones left. Save time. And lives. Date the nerd.

Or, my all-time favorite: premarital sex just does not pay. If ever there was a time to get busy, it is not Halloween. Or at summer camp. And it is NEVER when you are not married. Because the Psycho Killer will always find you. Your death will be sudden, painful, and oh, so very gory. Impaled from beneath, through a mattress. Hung like a coat on a hook. Like a side of beef on a much scarier hook. Boiled in a hot tub. You get the idea. Chastity wins, when the killers are on the loose. Maybe if you’re thinking less about The Deed, you can think more about running and grabbing a weapon.

But, for heaven’s sake, WATCH WHERE YOU STEP! Because if you trip and fall, you will look back, see the killer and become hypnotized by his…what? Mask? Creepy eyes? Melted face? The giant hook he’s carrying? In any case, once you trip, that’s it. You are dead. And so is your stupid friend who will look back, see that you’ve fallen, and come back to help you up. Because clearly, if you’ve fallen, you can’t get up. Of course, you could be selfless enough to beg your stupid friend to go on without you. Letting the Psycho Killer maim or eat you, or whatever is his M.O., will give your friend a head start on her escape.

Did I say “her”? Yes, I did. Because the sole survivor is always the female. Why this is, I don’t know. I can only guess that it is because of our superior survival instinct and…well, I wouldn’t say, “killer moves,” exactly, but we do know how to get a guy right in the feels. That could confuse a Killer long enough for us to set the trap, blow him up, shoot him a hundred times, drop a piano on his head, whatever it takes.

Of course, we will then forget to confirm that Psycho Killer is dead. Which means this whole thing will start all over again next year.

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